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Buck
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Buck" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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09:41 pm
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Mourning a ghost
It's absurd, really. I'm mixed up. In a fog. Why?
I'd heard the name. I'd seen pictures and postings for months in the personal / variety ads. Randomly, crazily, insanely and impossibly, he friended me on Facebook before I even knew what Facebook was. Or who he really was. And as the 3rd person to friend me on that other "secret" account I had, he certainly didn't know what he was doing. How perfect was that? He just clicked to add me as a friend right when I signed up. What a nice gesture.
Then I felt like such a liar. Even though we'd never met, of course. But that wasn't really my name. Or my life. Of course, e-mail addresses can be revealing and I imagine he figured it out at some point.
This all makes it sound like there "was" something. Like there's history here. I guess, in one sense, from one perspective, there is. But realistically... no, let's not.
At least I've figured one thing out over the last few days. What I'm mourning, as much as anything, is the waste. The loss. The passing of so much potential, vitality, creativity and beauty.
Many people possess some of these qualities in varying degrees. But he was one of those handful of really magical people that you meet once in a lifetime.
There, I actually cried for a few seconds. Over a stranger! What am I doing?? Is it selfish? Is it because I, personally, missed out on knowing this amazing person? I hope not. Or else, if it is, I hope that's okay.
He really was. Vital. Amazing. Most important, beyond the specific qualities mentioned above, is the inner beauty and strength he possessed. THAT is what gets me. He coulda, mighta, possibly shoulda been a monster. But no, he chose a path of healing and helping those around him.
Maybe he wasn't always such a good guy. I didn't know him in his youth. The important thing is that whatever life had presented him or taken from him along the way, he'd ultimately ended up as the best product of that life experience.
We only met twice. Suddenly he was real. Suddenly he was normal. Not really. Normal. I'm sure he stood out in a crowd. Sometimes. If it was possible for him to find a crowd where nobody knew him.
I only got to know him for a couple of months. As I said we only really met twice, in person. Obviously I didn't really "know" him but he made an impression. Then he stopped responding. I assumed I'd done or said something wrong. Somehow.
Wait, don't go there. This was all on the up and up. This may sound like some kind of wannabe love-story or, something, but it's really just about the profound way he touched my life. Barely.
Well, I was bothered about not hearing from him and hoped that someday he'd respond or we'd run into each other somewhere. Months went by...
The "worst" possibilities popped into my head, like they always do. But the wake-up call of reality always shows you how ridiculous those thoughts are.
I can never say that again.
The worst is exactly what happened. Finally, around 7 or 8 months after the fact, I stumbled across the news. The news that I'd never be hearing from him again. Nor would anybody else.
Old news. News that his "real" friends already knew. That his family had, and has, to deal with every day. There was a memorial service. There was, in fact, an evening dedicated to him, honoring him, at a well-known local club.
I missed it all. It actually would have been realistic for me to attend at least one of these functions. I mean, to find out about them. But I had no clue that anything was wrong. So I never looked into it, never checked online, never did any research about it. About him.
Until now. Now I read about who he was. How involved in the community he'd been, for many years. How many people he knew. What a loving and supportive family he's from. You know, that almost makes it worse. He touched many, many lives during his mortal years. I got just a taste before the fire went out.
Now...
How do I grieve? How do I mourn. Or, how do I even think I deserve to do so? Who am I?
Then again, it turns out we knew a couple of the same people, at least in a casual way. We went to the same places. Walked the same streets. We almost "should" have known each other. But he was always on the other side. He was doing as I was merely watching and experiencing. He was spinning the music I listened to, among other things.
Later in life, he mentored others in various ways with his music, spirituality, hiking and camping, even massage. He would have made a great speaker. When he talked you really wanted to listen. I thoroughly enjoyed our limited, brief talks and e-mails.
It's crazy that someone so active and healthy could physically decline so very fast. He had health problems I never could have guessed at. He was the very picture of health and still showing it off last summer when I knew him. Finally. Officially. Briefly. Finally.
Current Mood:  melancholy
Tags: the ghost of buster
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12:50 pm
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A Short Anti-Virus Odyssey
The moment of truth had arrived. The time was at hand, and I was ready...
yes, ready to upgrade my anti-virus software. One way or another, I WOULD do whatever it took to get the job done. Regardless of the consequences. But there were big decisions to be made. Big, BIG decisions.
For you see, on the one hand, I could upgrade to the newest free version of (Grisoft) AVG Anti-Virus. I still had version 7.1 installed on my computer. But version 7.5 had been available for days. DAYS. Possibly even weeks. Woe is me! Here I was, computing around and about with inferior, outdated software. Oy vey... (or whatever) what's a boy to do?
BUT! On the other hand, there was the AOL sponsored Active Virus Shield. This was all new to me. I'd only heard about it recently. And mind you, I'm not an AOL fan. Let's just leave it at that. But, the fact remained that they had struck a deal with a very reputable anti-virus company to offer a free version of their software, initially for AOL users. It was rated very highly. More highly, in point of fact, than even the old reliable... yes, yes... AVG Anti-Virus. Oh, I know. But it's all true.
I decided that, even though AVG had served me well down through the years (2? 3 years? more?) that I needed to change with the times. I needed to be open to the possibilities. Yes! That's it! That's what I would do. I would make the switch. NoooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo..........
Yes.
Oh yes. Do it.
I, well, you see, I just, well... ok. I'll just spit it out. I UN-INSTALLED AVG ANTI-VIRUS. Then, I installed Active Virus Shield. But it wasn't that simple. Oh no. For you see, a re-boot was involved. I'm serious. Then, of course, there was the program update to get the latest protection. Finally, I ran the first full scan with my new software.
Guess what happened. Can you guess? I thought not. So I'll just tell you that it aPpEaRS that Active Virus Shield could maybe possibly be better than, well, what I was using before. The fact of the matter is that it found both a trojan and a malware item amongst my stuff. It offered to try and neutralize them, but was unable to do so in either case. Both files were items I was okay with deleting and that was the only option.
The trojan had, at some point, latched onto a simple (Notepad) text file I'd created quite some time ago. I'm a curious guy. I shouldn't have, but I did attempt to open it before deleting it. Originally it was just a few notes jotted down as a reminder of, well, something that seemed important at the time. But now, I couldn't open it. MY TEXT FILE DENIED ME ACCESS. Well, of course it wasn't a simple text file anymore. It was something more. Something darker. Ominous. And apparently... impenetrable. So I deleted it.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: accomplished
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10:09 pm
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Spongy
Hmmm... paper towels vs. the ubiquitous kitchen sponge. You were just thinking about this, right? Well, it's worth a bit of thought. Here are 3 reasons why I use paper towels to wash dishes rather than a sponge:
http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/1031002316.html
http://channels.netscape.com/homerealestate/package.jsp?name=fte/kitchensponges/kitchensponges
http://www.ratlab.co.uk/sponges.htm
Truly, a little kitchen-sponge is very handy to have around for wiping down counters, stove tops, etc. You don't eat food off the counter. Er, well, I mean not as a rule. And that first day when you take the shiny (whatever) new sponge out of the wrapper, it's good for anything. And I mean anything. But don't ask me just 'what' I mean by that.
But after that first day, run it through the dishwasher. Boil it. Nuke it. Toss it. Yes, my friends... your life may depend on it.
Current Mood:  amused
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07:25 pm
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New cars
So, be it good or bad, I tend to be a greenie. As in recycle, get good mileage, don't pollute, tread lightly on the earth, yada yada yada. That being said, what's up with the new cars?
For several years I've been pondering the day I could drive away in a Honda Civic HX. It was a non-hybrid Civic with mpg ratings in the mid 30's in the city and low 40's on the freeway. Great mileage from a 'normal' gas engine with 117 hp and powering a great looking coupe! The engine was full of requisite technology such as 4 valves per cylinder and variable-valve-timing.
Of course, they stopped making them. I guess they want people to buy a hybrid, instead. A hybrid that might not get much better mileage:
http://www.automobilemag.com/reviews/sedans/0604_honda_civic_hybrid/
Many drivers certainly WILL get much better mileage. But is it worth the $7,000 price difference? That's a lot of gas. The mileage numbers in the newer, smaller Honda Fit are significantly lower than the Civic HX. The freeway rating is down to 38 mpg.
Don't even get me started on the Aveo!
On the other hand, Toyota used to sell the Echo. Sure, kind of homely, but with mileage ratings similar to the Civic HX. It also featured similar technology in the engine department, such as 4 valves per cylinder, variable-valve-timing, and even dual-overhead-cams. That technology enabled those cars to get stellar mileage while also maintaining reasonable emissions. Admittedly not an easy combination.
At least Toyota didn't let their hybrid bury the second-best mileage car in their lineup. They now offer the Yaris which runs much cleaner and still gets nearly the same mileage as the Echo did.
I'd hoped that at least one American car maker would be able to compete. Saturn, perhaps? But they've moved in the other direction. Until 2002 you could buy an SC1, a stylish car capable of high 20's (mpg) in the city and high 30's or 40'ish on the open road. Now you get the Ion, a more vanilla, mainstream car in every way. Including reliability, from what I hear. Saturn used to be more unique and innovative than the rest of General Motors but it seems like they've been absorbed into the corporate giant. As of this year, the only choice for a real mileage-oriented person (such as myself) who can't afford a hybrid (like me) is the Yaris. Will future years bring more options rather than less? I hope so.
Current Mood:  contemplative
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01:19 pm
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(un)Healthy stuff
So, here are a couple things I don't like about this neighborhood. Firstly, say you want to go for a walk. Or a bike ride. No, let's start with a walk. So, you walk. You go out the door, around the block, up the hill, back down the hill, down along the waterfront. Beautiful, tree-lined streets with expensive houses and cars. Lovely waterfront with a section of beach and, uh, good scenery there, too. Then, you're within a couple blocks of home, back in your own section of the 'hood. There are 3 people walking toward you. You'd assume, in a nice neighborhood like this, that they'd share the sidewalk with you. I mean, wouldn't you? But they don't. They form a wall and none of them seem to be yielding so that you can stay on the sidewalk as you pass. You have to walk in the grass or practically step onto the street. And one of them was female! Was one of them her boyfriend trying to impress her? Was she really as thoughtless as the men, regardless of their relationship, or lack thereof? For some reason I'm not quite as surprised at guys being bastards in such a manner, or at least thoughtless. But... what is that?!
Okay, the same thing happened to me today on my bike ride. It's bicycle Sunday:
http://www.cityofseattle.net/parks/Athletics/bikesatsun.htm
so I rode to Seward Park and back home. Lake Washington Blvd isn't as 'bike friendly' as they'd have you believe so I definitely take advantage of the official biking days where they close off a good portion of it. Mind you, in this case I can understand drivers having trouble sharing the road along there. It's narrow and without a shoulder a lot of the time. Some drivers are just plain nervous so they wait for a big opening and then accelerate by you as fast as they can. Others, though, really are plain thoughtless. They somehow think that their f'ing 1972 Chevy van will just slide right between you and the cars going the other direction so they don't hesitate or yield at all. The next thing you know you feel the wind by your ear as their mirror passes within a couple inches of your head. A couple weeks ago there were a few cars waiting to pass and one of them was honking their horn repeatedly as if that would speed things up. Talk about making the other drivers AND the cyclist very nervous. Yes, I love the fact that they have biking days!
So then, you get back in your own neighborhood. A couple blocks from home. Sound familiar? Three people are standing in the street next to their car discussing something of obvious importance. Then, when you're almost to them, they start crossing the street in front of you. You have to put on the brakes and downshift and wait until there's room behind them. There's no way they could have 'not' seen you. What is that?
Uh oh... I'm getting myself worked up.
I'm having a flashback to the whole Madison Park Rudeness Introductory Course - Part 1 from when I first moved here. I was driving home through the Arboretum. It was in the evening, after dark. The speed limit is 25 along there. For the sake of drivers behind me I usually fudge a little and go closer to 30. But that wasn't enough for the Land Rover behind me. I tried to give him a hint that he was making me nervous by slowing down toward 25. When I slowed down he turned on his brights and tailed me even closer. I was livid and frankly a bit panicked. I didn't know if he or she was a psycho. Or a road-rage type who'd try to start something at the stoplight. Or whatever. How do you know who you're dealing with? At the least they were extremely rude and I found it in bad taste to try to use intimidation tactics on a smaller vehicle. How stereotypical. But I was new here. I wasn't used to all these poor little rich people and their way of living.
3 years have passed. Not much has changed. I guess I'm still not used to it.
Current Mood: disappointed
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06:34 pm
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Bread
Bread
I went out with a couple friends for brunch today. Somewhere along the line we (or rather, they) got into the debate of toast vs. English muffin. Which is better or worse? Which has fewer calories or grams of fat? Does a serving of English muffin(s) constitute 1 or 2 at a time? And my own question (which came up later when posting this)... is English Muffin capitalized?
To me, the real irony is that I ended up driving us to a coffee house afterward. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision wherein I was thinking of grabbing a latte for now and bagging a doughnut for later. But there was an empty table and it looked so cozy... so we sat for awhile. At that point we (or rather, they) continued the debate a little bit. Over coffee and doughnuts! Who cares about a slice of toast when you think about the REAL issue of having a doughnut??
Later, after I dropped them off, I decided to contemplate it further over some M&M's.
Current Mood: contemplative
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02:03 pm
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Cats and stuff
I just love hearing the cat-claws click across the hardwood floor as she walks around. Back and forth... running, walking, playing, whatever. Damnit I forgot the dryer sheets.
Current Mood: chipper
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01:12 pm
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Mini-vacation (sorta)
You know how you're outta town and it's 6 or 7 in the morning and you don't have to get up for anything more than a visit to the bathroom? While you're up you feed the cats so they stop annoying you (yes, I know that doesn't really fit in with being outta town). So then you think to yourself, "I think" ('cause that's what you're doing) "that I'll get back in bed for awhile" and you're guessing maybe a half hour cause right then you're so wide awake that more sleep doesn't seem possible. So you get back in bed. An hour (or more) later you wake up again. That was me today. I'm house-sitting these 2 fat cats here on Beacon Hill. It's a 1 bedroom condo... kind of a small place for 2 cats who don't really go outside. But they seem happy. Now back to Book 5 of the Narnia Chronicles while my laundry dries.
Current Mood: cold
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12:37 am
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Spirits
Wow... Starbucks ice cream is so good. Especially right now. Incidentally I'm having Java Chip flavor. I just got back from the Comet where my acquaintance Michelle (aka Mama Casserole) was DJing in between sets. My friend Dan and I went to hear her in between visits to the Madison Pub which is where we actually got buzzed. Now... in between these flannel sheets... my legs feel sorta numb. Sort of, not 'fake' but I can't think of the adjective... hmmm... metaphysical... numb... fake... like silk... detached... yeah. I guess numb is the best adjective I can come up with in my current state. That would be Warshington. I slay me... ok, bye. Wait... the 'Mood' options don't include a 'fruity' selection and it really should be there! btw I don't get to feeling predatory very often. This may be the only time - ever. Enjoy it whilst you can. It was certainly something I was verging on awhile ago.
Current Mood: predatory
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07:00 pm
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No particular reason
Just thought I'd glance around here a bit and post something since I was reminded recently how long it's been. Now that I look, it HAS been awhile. I think I'm a bit levelled out (stabilized?) since my last posting. Whew! What a year 2004 was... yeah, the whole dating thing. Going out with someone and hearing all kinds of silly, sweet things come out of their mouth. Never to be heard (from) again. Yup... typical Seattle scene. I'm no saint myself, I just date so seldom that I need a few days (weeks) to get levelled out again.
Oh yeah, there was also the loss of my (possibly favorite) aunt, my father, and my grandfather within a 12 month period. So that's some of what was going through my head before.
The good news is I decided to never have another smoke. Mind you, I was an occasional 'social' smoker at worst. I'd only gone out of my way to buy my own pack of smokes a handful of times in my life. I mean that as in a true handful = 5 times or less. I don't remember the actual number like someone with a real memory would do. Didn't seem important to keep track at the time. Anyway, I usually bummed them when I was out with friends (and alcohol) which is when I craved them. I miss them and love the smell but I suppose I'm better off dropping them altogether. I liked menthols and even the occasional menthol is worse than non-menthols more often, I suspect. Oy... I'm no doctor. Am I justifying? Quitting??
So, here I be in 2005. The roomies both have pending new jobs. I've been wanting a new job, passively and in the back of my mind, for quite some time. Feeling too unsure of myself to pursue something different, I guess. Where I am is certainly 'comfortable' even though I need more money. The hours and 'dress-code' are so flexible and the insurance is good and my job duties really only take up a moderate percentage of my work-day. So it's easy to be lax about getting something else where I'd actually have to work. (sigh) Which is the reason, of course, I've been there so long.
I love technology, I just hate the driving forces (and people's attitudes) behind it. I can get all frothy about 'secure online shopping' and virtual account numbers and the latest software updates. Regarding the aforementioned people / attitudes, I guess I was having a flashback to some of the rude, arrogant tech-support folks I've dealt with in the past. And that was the in-house support where I worked!
Anyway, I ordered flowers for mom / Mothers Day today and thought the process of doing so was sure neato. Word of the hour - neato.
So, I think that's enough for the moment. Now I'll see what's for dinner.
Current Mood: productive
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